I’ve not written in over a month, but that is not to say I haven’t thought about it. All kinds of ideas came to mind, but there was a lot going on to distract me and I couldn’t formulate exactly what I wanted to say.
First, there was the distraction of the tile project for the main floor of my house. I noted here and here that there were issues and the first (partial) installation was defective. I had to rip it out and hire a second contractor to do the job after ordering new tile. In order for him to do the job, I had to vacate with my cat the first week of December renting an apartment from a friend in Carcassonne. The whole project was unsettling because both my cat and I have grown accustomed to our space. We didn’t like the dirt and the disruption as it went on for nearly eight weeks. It must be an age thing.
Speaking of age, I reached the milestone birthday of 70 on December 28. Can we talk about unsettling? Turning 40 was hard because, as I look back, I was reluctantly departing my youth. Middle age was looming. Turning 50, I had acceptance and to offset any depression I decided to celebrate big time taking my entire family to France for three weeks. You can read more about that here.
Turning 60 was ok, too. I didn’t really think much about it as I was again having fun and, at that point, living in Jersey City and loving the experience of living so close to Manhattan taking advantage of that in a big way with concerts, dinners, etc. The view from my 34th floor apartment was of New York Harbor, the Statue of Liberty and lower Manhattan. The World Trade Center was 2 minutes away by train. During the five years there, I often pinched myself realizing that I would probably never have such a wonderful view anywhere else in my lifetime. But I didn’t know then that I would one day buy a house in France with glorious views of the Pyrenées.
But turning 70 created a little crisis. It marked the end of an era: middle age entering into the era of old age…. I didn’t like the idea at all. I still don’t. In psychological terms, I experienced what is called “an adjustment reaction.” It was unreal. How could this be happening?
I’ve always been an optimist and I can’t complain about my life. It’s not been perfect but I’ve had a good career, many friends, pretty much done all the things I ever wanted to do, and now sit retired in France where I want to be doing exactly what I want to do.
I have also come to realize that it would be selfish to complain about my age because I am fortunate to be alive. We lost my brother-in-law David in 1987 when he was only 33. We lost my youngest brother, Bill, when he was a day short of 26 in 1989. We lost my oldest sister Linda when she was 58 in 2008. They didn’t get the privilege of aging. So it would be wrong and selfish for me to bemoan my age.
So why has all this been unsettling? I’m still wrapping my arms around it, but I think it is an acknowledgement that life has its limits. I am truly facing the last years of my life. It’s not a pretty thought. I don’t want to die.
I’ve spoken with a few friends about it and the general advice has been to look ahead with excitement and enthusiasm to make each day count. Sounds easy. And I usually do. But I’ve really had to think about this and literally adjust my attitude about the whole thing.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I have to move gently into this period and truly have gratitude for everything I’ve ever done, for the numerous people I have come to know and love as friends and family, and especially for the opportunity to live in this beautiful country of France once and for all.
But then, there is the pandemic…
That’s not helping either. And I wouldn’t be surprised if part of my “adjustment” has to do with the isolation imposed by the lockdowns we’ve experienced due to COVID19. We’re approaching one year with this pandemic and it’s getting old. There have been moments where I just want to go DO something.
I had also planned to return to the US to be with family for both Christmas and my birthday. Given the COVID19 numbers, I reluctantly cancelled my air reservations two weeks ahead of the departure date. I fully expected the holidays to therefore be depressing but thankfully they weren’t.
Gayle & Bernard invited me to dinner Christmas Eve. It was just the three of us, but it was perfect. It was also very safe because all three of us isolate and we didn’t have to worry about masks and potential contagion.
Christmas Day and my birthday were spent communicating with family and friends all over the world via messaging, phone calls or videoconferencing. It was truly wonderful to catch up with so many so easily – all from the comfort of my home – no travel necessary. My cat was happy that I didn’t leave her to fend for herself.
The day after Christmas I was invited by friends to their home in Carcassonne to celebrate my birthday. What I thought was going to be a dinner with them turned out to be a surprise party with another couple – members of the class I’ve been teaching this past year. It was a wonderful surprise and felt so good to get out again so soon. I’ve missed that!
On my birthday, Jennifer sent this photo…a card she had made and hung in her apartment in Nice! The celebration was nationwide….
New Year’s Eve was spent watching the symphony orchestra in Toulouse who provided a free online New Year’s Eve concert. It was a nice way to celebrate the new year.
So all in all, the holidays turned out well.
In the past week, we’ve been experiencing unusual cold and I have had to dress in layers. We’ve even had some snow accumulation but less than two inches in my estimation. The foothills of the Pyrenées and the mountains themselves are gorgeous, especially in the morning sun. I count my blessings. If one has to be confined for the pandemic, I cannot complain.
The chaos in Washington has been upsetting but the encouraging news is that the US Congress will no longer be stymied by the Senate. I am hoping 2021 will bring some normalcy as vaccinations are dispensed, the lockdowns eliminated, travel is once again made possible, governments stabilize and the world prospers. I might even be able to get to a concert again. And happy will be the day when we can actually go to a restaurant! I can’t wait.
Happy new year to you and yours.
Thanks, Tom for your update. Once again, Happy Birthday — soon the 70s will feel as comfortable as slipping on a favorite sweater! Love your photos….the snow provides a new, wonderful perspective of your environs! — Daniel
Thanks, Daniel. I hope you are right!
Tom, your resilience always overcomes your worst fears. That is one of many reasons you make such a good friend. I am always gratified to know you! Agree the view from Hersey City was spectacular but different chapters in our life help us re-define spectacular. Looking forward to seeing the Pyrenees someday with you. Kristin
Thanks, Kristin! I look forward to your visit one day when that again becomes possible…
The good news is that you are entering your 70s in relative good health, with your on lovely home and lots of aventures ahead. This year will bringue new hope and opportunities I think. See you soon!
Yes, you are right and I am grateful.
This was a beautiful post. I also went back and read the post about your family trip. When I turned 70 (two years ago), my daughter asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I said I wanted to take my two oldest grandchildren to Paris–and she and their father could come too if they liked. I paid for the children’s airfare (they were 11 and 13) and rented an apartment in the Marais. We arrived during Pride Week and also during the World Cup. Celebrations, parades, late nights and little sleep filled the week, along with so much joy with the ability to share a city that means so much to me with them.
I am now 72, living with Parkinson’s (relatively mild), survived thyroid cancer this year, and planning on a loooong trip to France next year. Perhaps I’ll make it down your way to say hello!
Keep writing (and photographing!).
Alwina
Hi, Alwina! I hope you do make it down here when it is possible. As we’ve briefly discussed, it will be a pleasure to meet and show you around a bit. Do it while you can.
I have rented the 15th century bishop’s house in the Loire Valley several times and it is lovely. Maybe an idea for a future family vacation, maybe your 75th celebration? These are trips of a lifetime and the children will never forget the experience.
Thanks for sharing your journey, Tom. It was a dream my husband and I shared for many years but, as life does, things got complicated and we never left home. So living vicariously through your wanderings is fun. Tell us more about your friends. Your house looks very comfortable and I love its position. Happy 70th as I await my 80th in July, Michael’s 70th in August and our 40th in August. Big year coming up and I embrace the progress. We also added to our family on Sunday with the addition of a cockapoo puppy who will arrive here on Sunday. Best to you, John Touhey
Hi, John. So you have a lot to celebrate this year. Congratulations! I hope you find many ways to celebrate. I will contemplate stories around my friends. 😏
Thank you, Tom, for sharing your feelings so honestly. Age is an interesting concept, right?
Thank you, Sandy. Indeed age (and aging) are interesting and, as I have discovered, sometimes challenging in terms of acceptance. But we will survive! Probably the most important thing for me to remember is to be grateful for all that I have and for those in my life who make it all worthwhile.
As the saying goes, “Age is but a number.” and, if this helps, I am older than you and had the same door slam in my face when I hit 70 and 71, the door that says get your paperwork in order, do what you feel needed be it travel, gardening, education, etc., and relax and enjoy the surrounding world of awe and wonder. We live as if our tomorrow is taken for granted. Enjoy today, live in the moment. Much love, Tom, always!
Hi, Sandy. The good news is that I am doing exactly what I want to be doing at this point in my life. So the rest is up to the Universe. I look forward to your eventual visit. 😘
Happy birthday, and thank you for your calm and concise thoughts on this getting older business. I am just behind you at 67, and am finding myself somewhat thrust into living each day… a month ago I married for the first time. We (she, a Lithuanian) met in Zagreb, where they would allow this yank, we married and then had 20 days on the island of Hvar for a honeymoon. Now we are in our “pied-de-terre” in Paris. I have long thought that perhaps a house in Aude might be a good idea for a “final” home, although perhaps closer to the sea. I still have my home in Santa Monica, and she in Vilnius. In any case, I am reading you and taking notes for it feels as if you are doing it well. Thanks.
Thank you, Peter. I appreciate your kind message. Probably like most of us, I am doing the best I can during this pandemic. Being in the Aude is truly a gift despite everything else. Should you visit this area one day, let me know and I will be happy to show you around. And congratulations on your marriage! It proves that all is possible.
The house is transformed. It looks so cozy. You were lucky to find it, and that view! We have snow here today too. I’m good with it as long as it doesn’t last more than a couple of days. And again happy birthday, I’m right there with you at that big zero birthday but at the moment I’m pretty grateful to still be be around. Love the cake!
Thank you, Lynn. Let’s hope and pray that life continues to be good to us so they we can further enjoy la joie de la vie en France!